whoa!

I think when I first learned that I was expecting, I was at work contemplating how much I freakin hate getting my period. I had awful cramps, a terrible headache and was not in the mood for anything! My co-worker and I are pretty much on the same schedule and I noticed as the days went on that hers had come and gone and I was still waiting around.

Huh?

I decided a week later that August was ending and I should start getting worried, however the reality didn't quite sink in b/c I had been through plenty of false alarms. However, I went and bought the shittiest home pregnancy test (first response, in case your wondering...) anyway and proceeded to take all three within the hour and received three different results! How could that be? What the hell kind of test did I buy?!

I realized that the test was inaccurate of course and the time had come to make that long awaited doctor appointment. So I did, however I couldn't resist the temptation to purchase just one more box of tests of another brand (ept) just to see what it would tell me. I took them both that night and went through a serious of gut wrenching emotions while I waited for the results. Each said the same thing. Positive. I sat on the floor and cried! What else could I do? The timing was horrible, I am only 27 years old and I had so much more to experience with my boyfriend. The same boyfriend who kept insisting on a fun ride in life rather than settling down and becoming boring old people just yet.
So of course, my initial reaction was to sit on the floor and really watch my life sort of literally fall apart. I knew I would have to tell him but I couldn't move. I sat there for about an hour and could then hear him calling my name so we could watch our latest arrival from Netflix. (which is the highlight of our evenings, so much for being fun and crazy)

WHAT WOULD I SAY?!!!!

I couldn't just walk out with both tests and say, hey guess what "I'm pregnant, I love you"...and yet that is exactly what I did.

I was so nervous, I didn't know what to expect. I mean the fact that we had been in a relationship for 11 years and are absolute best friends had no bearing on this kind of mind-blowing news being sprung on him unexpectedly. His face was a mixture of shock, confusion and fear. Lots of fear...

I thought then that I wasn't going through with the it. We had so much more to experience as a couple without having to sacrifice our personal time, our sanity and anything else that comes with the territory. I wanted to travel and actually go on vacation now that we are finally adults and making decent money. I wanted to delve into my career, I wanted to be carefree and come home to dinner and wine and just me and him! I wanted more than anything for this moment to be perfect. I wanted the proposal (super romantic proposal btw) and then to announce WE were pregnant to our families and wallow in the bliss and magic it would create.

But not this. This was entirely different. I sat on it for a while and got more and more depressed as the days passed, I could tell he was too. We had a very important decision to make and we could feel the weight pushing us further and further down. It wasn't easy and I felt like the decision was more mine to make. I let a few people in on my personal thoughts and they of course said they would support me no matter what but I knew it was still all on me!

And then...

he got down on his knees and apologized for all the wasted time in our relationship that I had spent waiting for him to come around and finally realize that we were going to be together no matter what. And that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that nothing would make him happier than for me to make him a proud father and husband.

I could hear his sister bawling in the background...she's too cute. It was a special moment! And I now couldn't be happier except for...

THE DAMN MORNING SICKNESS!!!! UGH!!

new addition

So I recently discovered I was pregnant...

It took a while to sink in. Now I spend most of my days battling nausea and occasional cramping and headaches. I have to say, that so far this experience really sucks! It is not at all what I imagined it to be and this is only the beginning...YIKES! I have already had my share of pregnancy stories and they all do nothing to ease the fear and apprehension I've been feeling. I actually wished people wouldn't share ALL of the details with me...

This first trimester has already drained me completely of energy and enthusiasm. I feel more weary and unhappy actually. I know it will pass and it will only be a matter of time before I begin to show and become more excited with the prospect of having a child. It is the only thing that gets me by. Everything else sort of makes me want to hide in my closet and come out when I'm further along.

I guess I will have to put my faith in nature and let things unfold the way they were meant to. I mean life could be much more complicated for me, I have been fairly lucky in my journey thus far. I just have to work on the mental fortitude...I guess.