Bad news!

Little man fell asleep early last night and I decided to let him lie in bed with me since Harry was off to work anyway. BAD IDEA! He got really comfortable and then around 3am began tossing and turning and fussing.

He wanted to lie on me, then he wanted to lie beside me, then he wanted lie on me again...

Ugh! I finally got up and realized Harry was already home and watching TV. I rocked him sitting down and walked around the apartment with him (my back taking a pounding from his 20 pound ass!) until he fell asleep again. Sleep didn't come easy! He fussed until 5am. I wanted to shoot him! I tried to get back to sleep and it took a while after being up with him for so long. Finally I got back to sleep only to be woken up again at 7am. He shit himself and was hungry! OH JOY! I changed him while I dry heaved and then made his cereal, which he refused to eat. He made ugly faces and swatted at the bowl. So I let him have some of my toast and cheese instead. He wants only what I am eating, the monster!

He ate that with a smug little face.

I gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep. I thought GREAT! Now I can go back to sleep for at least another hour or so. I was just about to get into bed when the phone rang! It was my father-in-law. He was coming into the city to drop off our mattress and wanted to leave within the hour. SURE! No problem. I just wanted to sleep a little more, so maybe a half hour instead of an hour? I slip into bed with the covers around me and guess what?

The phone rang AGAIN!

This time it is my sister, she was supposed to come into the city to visit Hunter College but went out last night and didn't feel like coming. Okay, no biggie, I can still get some sleep then. I hang up and turn to go back into my room and the phone rang AGAIN! What now?!

I am starting to go crazy!

It's my brother. Weird. He never calls this early. It was 10am. I answer but not wanting to...

Me: Hello?
Bro: Nic?
Me: hey what's up?
Bro: daddy's in the hospital. He was in a car accident last night and got banged up.

FUCKING HELL! All I want is sleep. I call my dad just to be sure he is not in serious trouble and he says he is okay but bruised pretty bad. Nothing was broken or severe. PHEW! So of course I alert the family and hang up. I look at my bed longingly, realizing it and me...just weren't meant to be. So I shower and gather up the baby, while listen to my husband lecture me on the danger of having the baby in the hospital. Anything else?

Now home and tired as all hell, I am really glad daddy's okay. He was really lucky that he was only bruised b/c the accident was pretty bad (a truck hit a car and that car's bumper went flying into him). His car was totaled but he has his life. And of course all he could think about was his torn clothes (which he just bought) and his car. Silly man!

teething

teething, ugh! he spends most of his time with his mouth hanging open and saliva dripping from it! he is in constant pain and needs to chew shit...usually my face. i feel sorry for the poor bugger! a family member told me that baby ambesol is no good b/c it numbs their throats as well as their gums...where was that stuff on my anniversary?!

anyhoo, as a result of the ripping and tearing of gums, my son has taken to yelling, making weird faces, throwing things, wacking me and refuses to eat anything i put in front of him...

what's next i wonder?

Lunch time!

sleep training

I realize that sleep training is much harder than I ever imagined it would be. This crazy journey of motherhood seems like a constant test of my patience, endurance, and sanity! My son no longer wants to sleep in his crib during the night or for his naps. He wants to sleep beside me. Although, this unconditional love is very heartwarming...not sleeping is a real pain in the ass! I am like a walking zombie all day. This, I realize is NO GOOD!

And so...

I have finally decided to sleep train my son. I have been leaving him to "cry it out" by himself in his crib. He is an incredibly persistent 6 month old however. He will cry himself blue at different pitches just to get my attention. It tears me up inside. I find myself wanting to run into that room time and time again, just to soothe him. Only I can't. Not if this is going to be an effective method of training. He won't ever learn if I continue to be the sucker. I just feel bad for the little guy. He is born enveloped in my womb, spent most of his first three months getting to know me intimately and now I am being ripped away from him so to speak, disrupting his comfort zone. Waking up alone is foreign to him and putting himself to sleep is definitely not something he is used to. It's funny but it seems that the fear of being alone, which haunts many adults throughout the course of their lives, begins here during infancy. My son does NOT want to be alone in that room. He freaks out and is learning to call me, which makes it worse! Hearing the yearning and relentless "mama" calling does a real number on me!

visting with our cousin

My husband and I LOVE wine. We have been drinking wine socially for years and for quite some time had no idea what differentiated good wines from the great ones. Especially when your first experience is Strawberry flavored Boone's Farm, which my parents still swear by to this day!
My husband, working in the restaurant industry, has been exposed to various brands and varieties over the years which really helped to develop our palate and knowledge...not to mention, gets us free booze! We love learning about the different varietals and expanding our palate.
We recently got into Wine Library TV with Gary VAY-NER-CHUCK! Whom we love, he is so wacky, you can't help but be fascinated!!! Anyhoo, he recently interviewed Nick Goldschmidt, who is equally fascinating and witty. They had great chemistry and the reviews on the wine he produced, made quite the impression on us. We absolutely had to see what it was about.
So my husband managed to get a case of the Goldschmidt Vineyard, oakville cabernet 2006 and it was WOW! Amazing nose and unbelievably smooth from start to finish. I was blown away! So this is what expensive wine tastes like, hmmmm!
I would definitely recommend it to anyone who loves a good red, because this is a MUST have. Hopefully someday we can get ourselves to Napa, it would be such a treat.

Mom&Me Yoga

Baby C & I attended our first mommy & me yoga class. Not sure what I expected, and why I was expecting anything at all is beyond me, however it was very different than I imagined. There was only one other parent beside me, with a child the same age as my little gus gus. The class began with warm-ups that didn't include the baby (and it took up most of the class time) and then we did about 3-4 poses with the baby towards the end of the class. The mom beside me broke up the pace by feeding her child and changing his diaper during class, lol.
To their credit, the staff was really great and the facilities were super clean (and everyone knows how I am about CLEANLINESS!!!), so that was a plus. I just felt in the end, like it was the sort of thing that exists solely to appease moms and their need to get out and "mingle" with their babies and other moms; and less of a workout or experience to enjoy with your child. Which is great if you just want to get out for a bit, but I could probably just run through the few poses right here at home and save my money. Ugh! Decisions, decisions...

I did wake up with some slight soreness in my abs however, so the poses do work, haha! Guess that counts for something!

our first play date

oh the chaos!

time...

something i no longer posses control of. i have tried several times...no, pretty much ALL DAY, to steal a few moments to myself, with absolutely no success. not that i am complaining, i just find it particularly funny and a bit overwhelming. i was told that this was the phase of my son's growth that i would find myself bored a lot.

really???

when does that happen? when he is demanding my attention 24/7 or when he is spitting up, destroying my nipples, crying (or rather whining), needing to be changed, or simply cranky from the constant barrage of stimulation now that is aware of his surroundings? Remembering to feed myself is quite the challenge while I tote the 14 pound bugger in one arm...oh yeah, I definitely feel the burn!

i find time for nothing. i would be lucky to get five minutes, i am mostly forcing the time just to unwind, while i hear the whining in the background...but that never lasts long :)
even now, i have introduced him to a play-mat with hanging animals to see if he would take to it, but NO. he is now letting me know he has had enough...all of the FIVE minutes he has been at it! when does anyone find time to be bored?!

Seriously?!

i spend more time trying to figure out what all the whining implicates...hunger, discomfort, dirty diaper, or exhaustion. my heart races as I anticipate solving yet another mystery!

This is the warning I get when we're hungry!

Love, love, love this packaging!!!!

a fresh perspective

ahhh...those oh so familiar breast feeding whoas! I once again went to the clinic at RealBirth to sort this issue out. I mean, GIVE IT UP ALREADY! But somehow I can't. I am determined to get this right. Maybe I should get a pat on the back for my incredible resolve. Or perhaps a slap on the back of the neck for my stubbornness!
In any case, I learned several things...I was forcing a new pattern on the baby and myself that was not practical, in effort to get him to sleep through the night. This was causing me to become engorged, resulting in lots of pain, the rapid release of my milk, frustrated feedings, and loads of spitting up!

Could I be any more stupid?

To think I could get a whole night already?! I guess it was wishful thinking...

I realized when I was walking back home with the baby that I didn't feel the usual weariness I've been feeling. Nor the angst caused by having to go home to a disaster of a renovation or having to practice latching. I actually felt good! The sky was blue, the sun was out and nothing seemed to bother me. This is coming a long way!! The fact that I actually felt like myself again...and like everything was going to be alright...

Now I must up the courage to get myself to the doctor for my post preggo checkup. Six weeks has come and gone and still I haven't made that damn appointment! I don't want to be probed just yet. Will have to face the music eventually....

WHY, oh, WHY must I????

Great Grandma in town, otherwise known as big yia yia...


I guess its been a while since she's handled a baby!

Ugh!

Did I say breast feeding accomplished? Did I actually think it would be that easy?! I had to have been dreaming...

Is that crying I hear?...I am so freaking tired! Is he really awake again?? Couldn't he just give me one more hour?!

I glance at the clock...2am...ugh! Shit! I guess I have to wake up!

Change his diaper...search for 'my breast friend'. Where is that damn nipple shield?! I panic, my boobs are so sore and if I let him attack them, they will never get better! I can't! I won't! Ah, found it, I was letting them soak. Thank goodness I got more than one, these things are life savers!

We leave the bedroom so my snoring husband can sleep. In the living room, I done the pillow he is now becoming too heavy for and feed him, half asleep.

Nod, nod....shit, can't fall asleep!

Gotta finish feeding...done with that one? on to the other...FOCUS! Gotta keep those eyes open! When will it end?!

Now we burp, 'c'mon, burp for mommy...ahhh, i guess we have to clean that up! Alright, let's rock you, yes, close those eyes, drift into that peaceful state that deludes mommy!

aaaahhhh, am I back on my pillow finally? how did that happen? can I sleep for more than an hour this time???

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Ugh! I glance at the clock...4am...

DOES IT EVER END?????

Breast Feeding Accomplished!

Breast Feeding....Ahhh...

Not the easiest task for something that is proclaimed to be so NATURAL! Baby doesn't latch, nipples get cracked, nipples bleed, baby is frustrated, mommy is crying and cringing every time baby is hungry, etc...
HOLY SHIT!!! Could it have been any harder! I love how all the horror stories of having children are mostly of labor and delivery. No one ever details the horror of pregnancy nor the horrors of post pregnancy. They are like the unspoken tragedies of motherhood. Breast Feeding woes being one of them. Perhaps not all women experience such a difficult time of it, but man is it not easy!
However, after much frustration, hard core double pumping and extensive psycho analysis, we, the baby and I, have managed to get this breast feeding thing down! We have developed a routine, I have not had cracked or bloody nipples since. The soreness comes and goes and I do still experience the occasional engorgement but definitely not the horror show it once was.

And I produce a shit load of milk! 5oz from each breast! You would think I had twins. I guess that is a good thing. No wonder he is in a coma after he eats, lol!

Post Pregnancy

Wow! I haven't written on this thing in a while!!! Well, being pregnant was a blast! I mean, not literally, but in retrospect all things sort of seem better than they were. I had a horrible first trimester, sick every day, ALL DAY! And I thought that was bad! My second trimester was a breeze and I sort of felt like myself again...with the exception of not being able to see my own vagina or feet and not being able to eat or drink whatever I wanted and....no sex whatsoever! It was definitely tolerable. My third trimester was a bit more stressful. I couldn't bend, I had trouble sleeping and the baby was putting tons of pressure on my lower regions. Thus, making simple tasks like walking one block IMPOSSIBLE! But still tolerable...

Labor and Delivery on the other hand, were a 'straight up' nightmare! How could it possibly so bad if it is such a natural part of life?! I just don't get it. My contractions were out of this world. I could barely contain myself, I was jumping up every time I could feel one coming and I would begin gyrating, doing all sorts of weird body movements and breathing in quick short huffs. The whole "yoga" breathing technique was no help in this extremely painful situation. I was timing them and when I finally got to 5 min apart for 2 hours (as per my doctor's recommendation - cause she is NUTS!!), I ran to wake my husband up and yelled "we have to get my ass to the hospital!"

I was about 4cm dilated when I got there, opted for the epidural and got it TWICE! The first doctor screwed up, she must have been a resident, she looked too young anyway...
So while my back was all screwed up and bloody, I was still feeling my contractions while hunched over waiting for the idiots to finish ruining me and then I went numb. My legs were like jello and I was told to try and get some rest while I continued to dilate. That was about as peaceful as it got for me...little did I know, that would be the end of peace as I knew it!!!

I slept for a couple of hours, drifting in and out of sleep while they kept doing those ridiculous cervical exams. Thank goodness I was drugged up, lol. My cervix began to dilate ever so slowly and eventually stopped, so they had to administer pitocin to speed up the process. In turn lowering the pain medication, so although I was still numb I could feel a few things...not so bad though.
A few hours later and I was ready to push. I had two nurses there including my doctor and my husband. My husband kept shoving ice chips in my mouth, i think that was his way of coping, and the nurses were holding my legs wide apart. I was told to push like I was taking a bowel movement, and I thought "great, i am going to shit on this bed. what did I eat last?". However, I was lucky enough not to blow my hole open or defecate on the bed. Although the nurse did say she wanted to see my anus spread like cauliflower...Was she nuts? or just trying to make me laugh? I don't know, cause I was too busy straining with each contraction.

Finally I could feel his head pushing through, It did most certainly feel pretty weird. It did feel like the biggest bowel movement I've ever had. I could feel his head poking through and that's when I tore and they cut me! Yikes!!! I didn't want that to happen but there I was getting clipped and having a baby pulled out of me. My doctor was great though, she was all business! I felt safer with her there. Then once they threw the bloody mess of a baby on my chest, I was overwhelmed with emotion.
I had waited so long to meet him, this was finally our moment. He was adorable and so WHITE! What happened to the melanin in his skin?? He was wide awake and just staring at me. It was pretty special. Harry was very overwhelmed too. He cut the cord and waited for the baby to be cleaned up so he could hold him. He was a great sport throughout the whole thing. You could tell he was proud to be a daddy, lol.
Then I lay spread eagle for them to stitch me, over and over again. Thank goodness I couldn't feel that either! I would have died, there was so much blood on her gloves...

I overdosed on pain meds that night, seeing as how I couldn't walk, sit or stand. Much less get my ass to the bathroom. They didn't give us a private room and I watched the misery and pain on my husband's face. He knew I needed him and he wanted to stay. How cruel could a hospital be, not letting the husband stay in the room, even if it is being shared?? That just isn't right! How could I possibly hold and feed my baby on my own. The nurses were no help, they took forever just to answer a call when I pressed that damn red button on the side of my bed. Where were the pain meds??!!!!

Finally on his way out, while I cried and felt overly exhausted, he found a greek nurse in the hall, who wanted to help a fellow greek. Thank god for patriotism!!! She got us a room after midnight free of charge. So he left and came back and we were moved. I was more than elated, although it didn't show on my face, the pain making me feel like i just had botox. I slept and they woke me up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, were they nuts!!! After all that I had been through, just kidding! I tried breast feeding, he ate for 5 min and slept. Thank the lord!!!

After that everything was a blur. We had visitors and I barely ate, seeing as how I was scared to have a bowel movement. It might hurt! We got discharged and I had no idea what I was doing. He ate and slept. Breast feeding was a nightmare and he shit and pissed through everything. How could I care for him if I could barely move. I needed Harry a lot and he was really great. I couldn't have done it on my own.

...Three weeks later and I am considerably better. My vag is still sore and I think I may have an anal fissure (which makes me cry every time, fuck!!!) and the baby has a very untimely eating schedule. I don't sleep and am dealing with a nightmare renovation. But all in all, I am a mom. To everyone's credit, no one said it would be easy and I didn't expect it to be. But HOLY SHIT!!! Did it have to be this hard???